Out of the Box

March 14, Week 2, Day 14

This is it.  D-Day.  The two-week mark of my fourteen-day Dale Carnegie challenge, and apparently I’ve been reading the wrong danged book.  After I finished the last chapter earlier today, and even read the somewhat obsequious Afterword by Thomas Lowell, I returned the book to the eager hands of my father.  When I’d told him that I was reading it, his fervor for the Word According to Carnegie was rekindled, and he could hardly wait to revisit the faded glory of his younger entrepreneurial days.  He burrowed further into his Snuggie and cracked the cover with a contented sigh, only to unleash a string of expletives mere moments later.  Granted, my father has been known to unleash a string of expletives over such minor occurrences as a hard-to-find-in-the-pantry-even-though-it’s-staring-you-in-the-face bag of cashews or wax on his dental floss, but I hardly expected him to revert to form in the hallowed House of Dale.

As fate would have it, the revised edition of How To Win Friends and Influence People is a far cry from the short and sweet outline of Carnegie’s main principles that comprises the original, which avoids a lot of the repetition that I found so cumbersome in the revised edition.   I can’t help but wonder how the difference between the two volumes might have impacted my experience of reading it, not that I feel in any way tempted to test the theory.  Stuck a fork in me, Dale.  I’m done. 

However, I don’t want to neglect mentioning the content of the last four chapters of the book, lest I later fall victim to the “Oh, God, I never went to my senior prom”-type phantom pain some people claim plagues their adult years.  Once started, better finish, and I have to admit to some curiosity about the big ending.  Predictably, the final principles were just more variations on the theme of appreciation and encouragement (i.e. “Praise every improvement”, “Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to”, “Make the fault seem easy to correct”, and the refreshingly unabashed “Make people glad to do what you want.”)  Needless to say, I didn’t get the big ending I was hoping for from Mr. Carnegie, or from the last two weeks, but I may have gotten something better.

Part of the exhilaration of beginning this little project lay in the prospect of something to do, something to accomplish, as well as the expectation that all good plans lead to anticipated results.   I envisioned that I would either be cheerily broadcasting the unqualified success of my longed-for job interview, or brashly packing my bags and heading into the sunrise in search of the destiny that was so clearly having trouble finding me in my childhood home. 

Dale Carnegie has been quoted as saying that he saw his job as helping people to conquer their fears and develop courage.  Well, I’ve never been afraid of flinging myself into a ridiculous array of unfamiliar circumstances, just for the thrill of making it work, or rising to the challenge of a new task.  What I feared then and fear now is that I will be, go, do, and see nothing.  That I’ll spend my life living vicariously through books and gazing out windows, while my life passes me by like a vaguely familiar ghost.   But when I stop the violin music and tragic pondering, I realize that this would never happen.  It’s already not happened again and again.  

I’m doing everything I can think of to create this next phase of my life.  The only thing I’m not doing is the thing I fear, which is whatever happens when I stop worrying about the things I think I should be worrying about- the job, the apartment, creating a profile on Match.com, the incipient infertility!  Honestly, my job search-related activities take two hours a day, max, but I have managed to fill the remainder of the time with endless projects and to-do lists, lest anyone suspect that I might be happy right now, living with my parents, watching the seasons change.

So no more assignments, no more projects, and no more comparing my life to Amelia Earhart’s.  No more “fitness challenges”, liver cleanses, or self-help guru assignments.  What thirty-four year-old women in her right mind would fritter away the chance to do exactly what she pleases, when she pleases, at a time of life when most modern females are overextended and overwhelmed by the pace and practicalities of their lives?  I’ve still got my eye on the prize, mind you, but no more of this rabid bat in a cardboard box baloney.  I’m going to make the most of every day, and I’m NOT going to make a blog out of it.  But if I did, I’d call it “My Fabulous(ly Successful) Life as a Stay-At-Home Daughter”.

Let The Messenger Shoot Himself

March 13, Week 2, Day 13

   My mom just came in to tell me that daylight savings time is upon us.  “When you wake up tomorrow morning, it will be an hour later”, she helpfully added.  “Maybe I won’t wake up” I observed. “Sometimes people die in their sleep.”  That was weird.  Well, weird for me, ghoulish and morbid for my mother, who quickly left the room with a perturbed backward glance. 

I’m not sure where that came from, although I’m quite certain it did not spring from any latent desire to take a dirt nap.  Even though tomorrow is Dale Carnegie’s last day to inspire me with his words- the day I pledged to make a radical shift in strategy if I hadn’t made significant progress in my job search by then- I’d still rather be ghoulish than graveyard-bound, and we must count this a success, no?

How To Win Friends And Influence People is a lightning fast read.  To be honest, I could have easily polished it off in a day (no job, remember?), were it not for my desperate need for a “project” to make meaning of my accursed leisure time.  Still, today’s five-chapter slog was a marathon stretch, relatively speaking.  The content, fortunately, was pretty absorbing, though I’m not sure how it applies to my circumstances.  Part Four is dedicated to the fine art of being the bearer of bad tidings.  In other words, if you need to fire someone, critique them, or punish them, here are some nifty tips for doing so in a way that will avoid the unpleasantness of late night death threats and burning effigies on your lawn.

It all comes down to dropping the bomb in a manner that has the recipient enjoying the view to the right, while the apocalypse approaches from the left.  Begin, of course, with a sincere compliment, then call attention to their mistakes indirectly (e.g. “My, that beret gives your head the most appealing shape!  Such a nice way to manage the humidity in the air from the flood in the living room.  That bathroom faucet does have great pressure when it’s left on!”)  Despite your diplomacy, you might still arouse a frisson of defensiveness in your victim.  Self-effacement saves the day (e.g. “Goodness knows I have a hard time turning it off even when I want to with these puny wrists!”). 

Now they know that you know what they did wrong, and it’s time to get inquisitive.  Ask questions and make suggestions (e.g. “Why do you think people don’t turn the taps off sometimes?  Maybe we could replace our carpets with rubber sheeting?”).  But most importantly, let the other person save face, lest you deal the ego an enraging blow (e.g. “Well, I’m going to have to stick a Post-It note to my silly old forehead to remind myself to turn off those silly old taps.  You’re such a dear to put up with a daffy old broad like me!”).   

It’s all good stuff, and I wish I could share it with the likes of Donald Trump and Simon Cowell, although apparently compassionate critique makes for bad reality television.  And the fact that I have just implied that there is such a thing as “good reality television” hints at how I spend my evening hours, and makes me want to stick my head in an oven.  So we’re back to where we started.  

I'd Like To Thank All The Little People...

March 12, Week 2, Day 12

The Following is brought to you by Chapters 8-12:

Scene:  Julie walks into a well-appointed corner office.  Mrs. Q, her interviewer du jour, sits behind her tidy desk.

Mrs. Q:  Thanks so much for coming, Julie.  Please make yourself comfortable.

Julie: (moving behind the desk and snuggling into Mrs. Q’s lap) Thank you Mrs. Q.  My, what a lovely office you have.  I can see why you placed that oil painting just beside your floor lamp.  It really sets off the beige tones in the beach scene!

[Principle 8- Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.]

Mrs. Q: (flustered, but flattered, she gently nudges Julie off her lap) Um, thank you.  I got that in the Hamptons.  Perhaps you’d be more comfortable on the other side of the desk?  So I can see you better?  I was very impressed with your resume, and the eloquence of your cover letter.  I’d like to hear more about your qualifications.

Julie: Gosh, Mrs. Q, your request really shows me that you are serious about your job, and have an insatiable desire to learn.  Boy do I know what that’s like.  I can hardly think of a question in my mind before I’m poring over US Weekly for the answer!  You must really want to know why you should hire me. 

[Principle 9- Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.]

Mrs. Q:  Well, yes, that is why I’ve asked you here today.  Perhaps you wouldn’t mind sharing what positive contributions you feel you could make to our organization?

Julie:  Oh, Mrs. Q., ask not what I can do for your organization, but what your organization can do for me!  Aren’t all mission-driven organizations primarily motivated to improve the lives of others?  And who better to benefit from your compassion than an unemployed waif like myself?  I’m sure you can’t wait to tell me about my benefits package, am I right?

[Principle 10- Appeal to the nobler motives.]

Mrs. Q:  Actually, we typically don’t get into that until the end of the interview, after we’ve gotten through questions about qualifications and work history.

Julie:  Work history?  Well, why didn’t you say so, my dear Mrs. Q.  (Julie rises from her chair, does a couple of limbering exercises, and some vocal warm-ups).  If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to share with you a short monologue from one of my favorite plays by a certain drunken rogue by the name of Tennessee Williams, “A Streetcar Named Desire”.    I feel it really captures the tragedy and triumph of my professional trajectory.  Would you mind playing Stella?  I’ll only need to backhand you once, and then you can just sit back and enjoy the show!  (Julie cracks her knuckles, peels down to a stained tank top, and pulls a half-empty bottle of bourbon from her shoulder bag.)

[Principle 11- Dramatize your ideas.]

Mrs. Q:  Ah, perhaps we could save that one for the second interview?  Now perhaps you can tell me more about what you feel your particular strengths and weaknesses are as they relate to this position, and how you might work with those here?

Julie:  Quite happily, milady.  Only a fool doesn’t know that an employee is only as strong as their weakest weaknesses, n’est pas.  Case in point.  I have a very strong lower body, but a chronic weakness in my wrists.  This makes me a good soccer player, but an inconsistent tennis player.  (Julie pulls something from her bag)  That’s why I carry around this tennis ball.  I squeeze it to strengthen the muscles of my wrists and hands, thereby transforming my weakness into a strength.  Enough said.  As far as my lower body goes, we’ll have to step outside for a couple of suicide drills, although from the looks of those little bird gams, I’m guessing that’s not your strength, eh Q?  Never mind, I’m sure you played a mean oboe with the rest of the band geeks.  Follow me please.  Loser hires winner.

Mrs. Q, looking somewhat stunned, numbly rises from her chair and follows Julie out the door.  Julie stops by the water cooler and takes a long drink from the spout, face dripping as she continues out the front door, Mrs. Q on her heels.

[Principle 12- Throw down a challenge]

The End

*I must admit I felt a little cocky after this run-through, but I realize that it is a bit unrealistic.  Hardly anyone’s last name begins with “Q”.

Why Q-Tips Make Me Sad

March 11, Week 2, Day 11

     Only three days of my two-week challenge left after today, and it’s time to kick it into overdrive.  The chapters are getting shorter, and the Principles are coming fast and furious.  I don’t know if it’s the result of my new “can do” attitude, yesterday’s conciliatory statement, or the natural build of Dale Carnegie’s narrative, but I feel like he’s really starting to deliver the goods.

Today, I actually felt like I was reading something that, although quite practical and commonsensical, I felt like I hadn’t heard before.

     Chapter 5, titled “The Secret of Socrates”, lands the importance of getting the other person to say “Yes” as many times as possible as early in the conversation as possible.  Begin the conversation by asking questions that you know you’ll get an affirmative response to (“Don’t you wish a good haircut wasn’t so danged expensive?”), and keep pumping them for “yes’s” throughout whatever it is your pitching.  He likens this to the Socratic method, which he describes as asking questions that your opponent has to agree with until they start agreeing with things that they may not have in the first place.  While my brief but spectacular love affair with philosophy in college leads me to suspect that this is a pretty incomplete understanding of Socrates’ brilliance, I’m willing to take this bit of advice and run with it.

Chapter 6 and 7, which hit on the techniques of letting the other person do most of the talking while making them think the idea you are proposing was his/hers originally, is on a slightly different track, but consistent with the “customer’s always right” tone of the book.  I keep thinking about how I could do this smoothly in an interview without appearing shifty and unreliable, or just plain stupid (“What do you think my greatest skills are?  Why do you want me to work here?”)  As I understand it, Carnegie advocates that the best way to get what you want is to find out what the other person wants, and convince them that you are the one to give it to them while actually giving them what you want, which has also become what they want because they can’t remember what they wanted in the first place.  Or something like that. 

I was seriously in danger of getting bogged down in another morass of questionable morality, when a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson swooped in to save the day.  Carnegie was attempting to illustrate how important it is to people to have ownership over their own ideas, and receive ample acknowledgement for their successes.  Humans are limited, in Carnegie’s view, in their ability to truly appreciate or invest in anything that they perceive as not having originated with themselves- a perspective less flattering than the mirror in a department store changing room.  Emerson, however, gives it considerably more poetic gravitas when he says that “in every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.”  Ah, a big sad breath of fresh air!  I feel this way about the Q-Tip and Therapeutic Toe Alignment Slippers.   I could have invented them.  But I didn’t.

In the end I think I will be able to say that it’s the hallowed voices of great men that Carnegie recruits in service of his message that will make this book a true resource for me.  This was only a suspicion until an oasis of compassion appeared in the desert of Chapter 7, courtesy of Lao Tse.  Despite what I know is the late Dale Carnegie’s commitment to the betterment of mankind, all I can hear in his message most days is “Suck up, and suck up hard.  Suck up until your mouth feels like sandpaper and your cheeks turn inside out.  Then suck up some more.  And mean it.”  Yet in the words of Lao Tse, I get less Machiavelli and more Mother Nature, in an elegant way that sums up the whole book (I think the Tao Te Ching is actually shorter than How To Win Friends and Influence People, but maybe it’s a cultural thing.)  So without further ado…

“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them.  Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams.  So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to before them, he putteth himself behind them.   Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”

I am definitely going to putteth this one in my toolbox.

Right From Wrong

March 10, Week 2, Day 10

Principle 3, Part 3:  “If You Are Wrong, Admit it Quickly and Emphatically.”  

Well, I was wrong.  Wrong to think I don’t have a job yet because I am doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with me.  Wrong to think that a book written in 1936 can save my life in two weeks, when my life doesn’t need saving, and when it does, Dale Carnegie would be the first to say that that’s MY job.  I was also wrong to think that nothing short of an interview or job offer could brighten my day, when all it took was a phone conversation with a dear, wise friend, while I sat in a parking lot and watched the dirty snow melt.  I’ve been wrong in aiming too low, and wrong in selling myself short.  Funny how realizing how wrong I am can turn the world back upright.

Principle 4, Part 3:  “Begin In A Friendly Way”

So I’m starting over, not from the premise that all of my efforts up to now have been a waste because they haven’t yielded visible results, but based on a thirst for knowledge, and the enjoyment of public discourse.  Nice to meet you, Mr. Carnegie, I’m sure you’ve got worlds of wisdom to share, and I’ll do my best to keep things in context and listen with an open mind.  In the mean time, I’m going to go apply for some more jobs, and try to enjoy this unexpected sabbatical.  Peace out.  

Put Me In, Coach

March 9, Week 2, Day 9

     Today, as I was poring over chapters one and two of Part Three (“How To Win People To Your Way of Thinking”), I noticed a flock of blackbirds pecking at a patch of ground outside my window.  They looked very industrious and intent on harvesting whatever bounty the newly melted snow had revealed.   Animal Speaks by Ted Andrews suggests that the appearance of a blackbird foretells new surprises.  Later, I went to the grocery store, bought some salad dressing for my dad, and delivered it to him at work as he requested.  But lo and behold, he had already sent his secretary out to buy some, since he didn’t think I would remember to do it.  Surprise!

     If I were a fully realized human, or even just a shade more enlightened than I am, I would have no trouble relishing the simple acts of service I am able to perform each day, like buying and delivering my dad’s salad dressing.  Nor would I struggle at all with Principle 1 of Part Three- “The only way to win an argument is to avoid it”.  I do tend to try to defuse and deescalate arguments rather than incite and prolong them, but I find it difficult to walk away at times, knowing that my retreat may be construed as agreement with a point I am opposed to.  Nonetheless, I appreciate Carnegie’s insight that, when we argue, we encourage the other person to get their sense of importance from being right, rather than being listened to.  

     This dovetails quite well into Principle 2 of this section, which is “Show respect for the other person’s opinions.  Never say “you’re wrong”.  It is perfectly acceptable, and even advisable according to Carnegie, to admit that you yourself may be wrong.  This is a gesture of good will, and a sign that you are prioritizing the relationship over being right.

     As I mulled and masticated this advice throughout the day, it occurred to me that the arena where these insights would be most useful to me at present would be in my relationship with the Universe/ God/ Great Spirit/ Grand Hoo Ha running the show.  Not a day goes by lately that I don’t file a request with “All That Is” to expedite this excruciatingly prolonged and anxiety-producing process of new life/new job hunting.  I’ve vowed to surrender all attachment to the where and the what.  I really have.  I’ve even tried to figure out what unfinished business might be tying up the process (standard self-help protocol). I’ve worked on my daily practices, refined my interviewing skills, and tried to confront my dominant “issues”.   I’m pretty attached to whatever I do in some way helping to create a more peaceful world in a locale with abundant outdoor recreation options, but other than that, I’m a puppet on a divine string (too much Yogi Tea perhaps?). 

     That said, I just can’t help kvetching over the timeline.  I know that in the spectrum of evolution, a few months is just a shadow of a micro-blip, but I’ve only got this one lifetime as Julie Aitcheson (I’m lobbying for something in southeast Asia next time around), and my clock is ticking at hyperspeed.   But in the spirit of Dale Carnegie, and his belief in the power of acts of good will, I am hereby extending an olive branch to the Unmovable Mover. 

Dear Big One,

Sorry for all the late night calls and repetitive questions.  I’ve been making a show of going with the flow, but really I’ve kept the reins clutched in my feeble hands, so sure that I was right about how all of this is supposed to unfold, when it turns out I may be wrong.  Please just remember that my life is not measured in light years, and that I think I could do something really good out there if you take me off the bench. 

With oodles of good will,

Julie

P.S. The word count of this entry topped out at 666 (no kidding!), which seemed ominous, so here’s a postscript about nothing for your reading pleasure.

Springtime For Us Egomaniacal Sociopaths

March 8, Week 1, Day 8

     Usually, no one can top me for Spring Fever.  When the first soft breeze touches my face, I surge with manic energy and optimism right down to my mitochondria, and there’s little that can restrain the rise of my sap, even a late April snow shower.   Today, I walked out in a sweater, no down or winter-weight fleece between me and the elements.  No persistent swish of an impermeable rain layer as I swung my arms to generate heat.  I did what I could to bring that old feeling to the fore.  I pressed the palms of my hands into the brave shoots of green grass.  I turned my face to the sun and inhaled the aroma of well-saturated soil.  I even hugged a tree. 

     Yet somehow this seasonal transition is bringing me down.  I didn’t think I’d still be here to see the first crocuses at the edge of the woods on my parent’s land, or take my brother’s car in for a new inspection sticker.  I think back to the optimism that had me contacting potential housemates on Craigslist in mid-December.  It was actually kind of a fun (though generally inadvisable) way to meet people, but talks were eventually abandoned when the hoped-for job offers didn’t exactly come screaming down the pike.

     I am aware that, in my Eeyore-esque reflections, I resemble the costume designer who won an Academy Award last night, who shall remain nameless because I can’t remember her name, and don’t want to defame her just because Greenpeace isn’t returning my calls.  She held the Oscar in her hands, and seemed actually put upon as she gazed down at it.  She commented that it was her third such honor, and acted as though the Academy meant to force her to affix the gaudy ornament to the hood of her Mini Cooper. 

   Now I don’t have a phalanx, or even one, of these distinguished statuettes gracing my mantelpiece.  I don’t even have a mantelpiece.  But what I do have is an amazingly loving and supportive network of family and friends, the blessing of parents who are willing to shelter and feed me while I scamper about the internet looking for livelihood, radiant good health, and the freedom to create my future according to my deepest aspirations rather than strictly imposed and enforced limitations on who and what I can become.  So if the image of my forlorn face as I reach my spindly arms around a storm-tilted oak brings a tear to your eye, don’t cry for me, Argentina, and I’ll try not to either.

     If you’re beginning to suspect that I’m avoiding an account of my latest foray into the world of How To Win Friends And Influence People, you may be right.  Truthfully, if Mr. Carnegie had been a bit wordier, expanding his thoughts into a volume that might take, say, a month or even three weeks to read, I’d be sorely tempted to wave the white flag on this one, and start blogging about my newest hobby of taking provocative pictures of household waste.  However, giving up on anything at this points feels like it would threaten a landslide of despair, so I will forge ahead, though at the accelerated pace of two chapters a day to bulk up the content. 

     Principle 5 (“Talk in terms of the other person’s interests”) and Principle 6 (“Make the other person feel important- and do it sincerely”) stay consistent with the overall thrust of Carnegie’s philosophy, which could be summarized as “Pay attention, be nice, and mean it.”   And though I have gotten a rather mercenary impression from his explanations thus far, Carnegie reportedly became quite indignant when an audience member at one of his talks asked what he hoped to gain from someone by treating them in such a way.  “…if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet the failure we so richly deserve”, going so far as to call such motives “contemptibly selfish”.  This seems a bit harsh and inconsistent to me, given his emphasis on the primacy of egocentric needs, labeling the urge to feel important as “responsible for civilization itself”.  And here I thought it was to establish consistently reliable food security and shelter.  I guess what I’m coming up against here is that I can’t quite decide if Dale Carnegie is driven by humanism or capitalism, and as the arbiter of my current new job/new life search strategy, this distinction feels immeasurably important.

     Again, although I did let Carnegie’s latest installment percolate in my subconscious all day in hopes that it would yield a revelation or two, Yogi Tea trumps Carnegie once again. “Have wisdom in your actions and faith in your merits.”  It sounds like something he might say, anyway, though with “but not too much, because the other person is probably an egomaniacal sociopath with an inferiority complex” as a likely addendum.